Listening to quiet in the still of the night, wondering I am up and not able to go backe to sleep.
thinking of family  and how important it is and sometimes we take it for granted.  Tinking of my own parents and parents of my husband. As they are going older and filled with so much wisdom, knowing one day they will no longer be with us in human form. They will be with us  in form of love and memeries  and energy of life. Life goes by so quickly and you try you best to do what is right and teach your kids. How great grandparents are every holiday you get to see them. As my kids are getting old and trying to find their own way in life, It seems that I did not insil  the valve their grandparents could really add to their life. I know that they love them and they will always will until life no longer lets touch the green grass of home. As older man sitin his chair reflecting  upon his won life, wondering how life itseld went by so fast. His house was once filled with laughter nad sounds of little tiny feet filled the house. His wife that he held to dear to his heart, was no longer with him to share  his life. Her chair sat alone and all his had left was his memeries of the times they were able to run and have fun in the gree gree grass of home. So the house that he bluith, now lay silent and only a single the filled the house. the light the shone on his newspaper. Talkig about the world  that he was so much apart of  and wishing he was still connected.  Ther he sat waiting for his dear departed wife to come get him and bring him home to the place where their hearts can become one again. Days go by and only thing is heard is the ticking of his own heart and wal clock that hung upon the wall of the kitchen. His beauiful wife and himself  did have  kids and they added so much to their life. Even them  was no longer around, they had lives of their own, everyone once in a while he got a phone call from them. Talking about their life  and asking about our's ane qickly they needed to go and be apart of life that he seem like he was no longer apart of............ wishing he was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How did it go from a home filled with love, laughter, smiling little face , to a quiet  lonely place ?
Slowly he saw his life changing and not having the control he was had in his life. Everything that had any meaning in his life was gone!!!!!!!!!! Life itself was not worth living, without life and laughter and love in his life, it was like he was not important to anyone or anybody. His children had their own life and did not seem to have room in their life for him. So he sat and waiting for the angels of the heavenly gate to come down and bring him home again. That day did come, the day he gave up and could no longer bear the pain of his broken heart. That night his broken heart was not longer broken, it was filled love and happiness that he once felt for his wife. There before his eys was his beloved wife to take his hand and bring home again. No longer sad, just the feeling of Peace and hope  for a better place to be then here. As they touch each others hands, the house itself filled with such amazing light and quick as it came it left just as quickly. His wife and him were no longer part of this world, they were free to go or do anything they chose to do in life. No longer living it became a problem, So they follwed their hearts and went o visit their children. Their child that they brought into the world, that they slowly forgot about them. They want to let their kids that they are ok and that they loved them. That night as  they were all fast asleep and it was quiet. They traveled throughout the house, in and out of every bedroom, watching their children and grandchild sleep in such peace. They knew right then and there they did a great job. But!!!!!!!!!! Their jounrey on this world, did not seem to be done. When his lovely wife pass away she was able to go and watch her love ones on a higher level. Now as he pass and they were once reconnected, they seemed to be stucked and being pulled in a direction they did not understand. What did they need to do, before they were aloud to be free and fly and dance in the moonlight together. They traveled from house to house listening and to bring them warm feeling of love. Morning slowly came and everybody was waking up and trying to remembering their dreams. Why? they felt so loved when they first woke up.
In every house they all gathered in their kitchen and just looking at each other. Wondering!!!!!!!!!!!!
The house had such a peaceful and loving feeling to it, nobody could understand. Happy Memeries filled their hearts and minds. They began to share with each other their dreams ans just the memeries they had of mom& dad, grandmom& grandpop. They called each others and shared their memeries and decide that it was way to long from visiting theit dad and grandfather. So they all loaded up their cars and headed to their old house. As each one the got there, they waited and all went into together. The house did not have the same feeling as once did growing up. The house had a lonely, sad feeling to it! As they entered the living room there was their father and grandfather asleep on his favorite chair. So they thought, they all slowly apporched his chair, they knew something was very wrong.
He was not sleeping, he was not longer apart of this world. There was a dead silent and crying soon replace the was quiet house. Where did the time go, how did this man we loved die alone? We were so busy trying to create a new life, that we forgot the most important life we had with our parents. Growing up and learning how to live life and thinking of the days we too have family of our own. Never thinking how fast life would really go, how much we forget about the ones that we loved the most. Without the we would not be where we are now and our families would not be our families. We always thought we had another day and the one that we love the most, we figure they knew we loved them. We did not need to visit or even call in some cases, we figured that they would be always there when we needed them. We were wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! Now it was to late! How could tell the ones that meant the world to us, that gave us the world and everything that was in it. How could we just turn our back and just remeber them on their birthdays and holidays. Be ok with not visiting them in between. The family felt a warm gentle brezze, it felt if the home was tranformed into happier times. The smell of fresh pies right from the oven, laughter seem to come every corner of the room. Memeries flashing within everyone minds, the happy ones and never a sad ones. Then they knew that the ones the they loved the most was there with them. They were at peace now and they shared it with their families and for a new begining. A begining filled with love for each others and a world where they would always be connected to each other. Share their happiness and even sadness and their kids would share their life with each other. As they were all feeling the peace, the room filled with the brightest light they every show and then they all felt a gentle kiss upon their forehead. Then the light quickly diappear, but the feeling that it game the stay with them forever. Life was never the same from that genterations to anothers

A peaceful night

The snow came down slowly as it covered the once beautiful green grass.Standing outside It is a peaceful feeling,  just listening to the silence of nature. All of nature is asleep and dreaming of a better tomorrow, when the snow stops.  Then once again the world begin to move again, for now I will enjoy this moment frozen in time. Feeling the coolest of the air and watching the snow cover everything in it path. The night is getting closer and the darkness is coming upon us, telling our body and minds that is time for bed. Time for our body to rest and restore our energy to enjoy the day that is coming near.
 As we sleep the night creatures are trying to make their way through the snow in search of food. Playing hide and seek with nature, as nature hides the food the creatures have to find the food. The game goes on until morning, when the seekers slowly make their way to their homes, for a well deserved rest.
The morning light brings new woodland creatures to the game. They too need to play the game of hide and seek with mother nature. The woodland creatures are not the only ones that play the game, we too need to play hide and seek. We may not need to look for food, but we still need to find things that  has been hidden  for us in the deep snow. You probably wondering what we need to find!
Well mother nature never wants everything or anybody feel left out of her game. So she hides our cars, driveways, walkways and maybe even the morning paper.
Mother nature watching high above on a cloud, thinking to herself "what a good job she did hiding everything". It gave her heart of warm feeling, watching everybody playing her and helping each other as they play. Knowing as the snow slowly melts and her game slowly comes to a end, she will have another chance to play with her friends in nature. Also give us another chance to slow down and spend a little time playing in the snow. So until until the next game of hide and go seek with mother nature, I wish you all a warm and peaceful night!!!!!! 

  Remember anything is possible if we just believe in our self.

What a  beautiful fourth of July, the sun is warm and nature is at peace. While sitting outside listen to nature a peaceful feeling came over me. A feeling of what ever happens in this world it is going to be ok. Sometimes I forget how blessed I truly are with my family& friends. I feel so blessed with so many in my life, amazing husband and three amazing kids. To other it may be like a world sadness and loneliness, I know that it is not a nice to be in this world. I knew that  world at one time and never want to go back and relive it. One thing I learned is that your world is not as bad as you see in your mind, then it really is ..... Soon as I saw the world I was living in was not the same world my family.
The question was; "what world did I want to live in? In the past I really did not have a chose. Now, I want to be in my families world. Sometimes it is hard knowing that your mind is not always right, your thoughts are sometimes there to just drive you crazy. Telling you things that are not true, and trying to keep you in a place where the sun does not shine and the birds are not always heard. A place where your long lost friend "Depression" rules!!!!!!! When your friend takes over, it is a fight to the finish. The stronger one wins, sometimes it Depression and other times it is me. It is a lonely place and not many understand the world in which you live in. It may be world where all is lost or it just feels like it. I am here to tell that is not always the case, you are stronger then your old friend. You've the fight inside to fight. It may every bit a energy you have inside of you. But in the end it is worth the fight. I know that I am still fighting the fight, sometimes I lose and  sometimes I win.  No matter  what battle you are fighting, it differently worth it, you may not think so, but you make a differences in this world. The world is a better place for you  and everybody else that feels like the world is just not there for them. The world is there for everyone, even if you believe or not. there is someone trying to reach out their hand to help you fight.
There is always a new beginning, each and every morning, so close your eyes and waken to a new morning. A morning of hopes and dreams, and baby steps to a better world. If your mind does not agree with you, get up and go outside if you can and just listen. As nature sings to you and the sun warms your soul, if you live where you can not go out. Listen to music and let your mind be free and let your spirit dance to a brighter tomorrow. May your world be brighter then it is today and may it grow stronger and stronger as time goes by. May your spirit learn to dance in the moonlight and always feel the freedom beneath it wings. thank  you, remember you are always love no matter where you go or do in life. Have fourth everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spring

Writing by candle light, not knowing what i am going to write.... just letting it flow. It seems to bring out the most beautiful music to my ears and to others. 
Without thought my words are unlimited and with thought I am only limited to the words i use everyday.
Here it goes and let see where it takes me...... Candle light and all it glory, there is something so special and peaceful about a flame, it warms your soul and it takes you to a place of calmness. Writing is hard sometimes, thinking of what to write and what not to write. Thinking and thinking and driving your mind nuts until one word Stikes a cord and the rest of your writing  is amazing. It something that you do not want to stop writing about and you find yourself writing something that takes  your breath away. It is kind of amazing where your words can take you and what emotions that it brings along for the ride. Your writing can take to the heaven's above with the bluest of skies or to places where life itself does not exist. Sometimes it just stops itself in it own tracks and moves on to another thought.  

Nature itself with it's smells and the whispering of the winds and the excitement around it.  It seems like everybody is slowly shaking off their winter snow and coming out to see what nature has in store. As it starts out as a small little bud and grows into a beautiful flower for all to see. It is amazing how nature comes alive and we all have front row seats. "no money needed" . The Spring show starts slowly, so nobody will miss it. The meaning of spring is different for each of us, to some people spring means colors and to others it means the sights and sounds of nature.To others it might be just the smells in the air itself and feeling the warmth of the sun against their check. Anyway you feel, see,hear and even taste the amazing feeling of spring. May it make your spirit soar as high it is can fly and feel the freedom  beneath their wings.

Knowing that they are one of a kind, no mater what you can or can not do in life, Life is so happy you are apart of it, bringing something special into each and every day. Sometimes you can not see, what is special about yourself, that is OK. Keeping shining, even those you may not see anybody in your life, there is somebody out there glad you are here and would miss you if you were not. So may the happiness of spring find you and keep a smile and the warmth of the sun in your spirit forever.
Happy pre-spring everybody

The winter chill is certainly  in the air this morning, it beginning to feel like Christmas. We got our Christmas tree yesterday afternoon, it is a nine foot and about five feet wide. There was one thing that was special about this Christmas tree, it had a  present from nature itself " A birds nest." Our cats are so excited about a tree sitting in our living room, they find it amazing that they can be nice warm and still feel like they are outside. Our one cat, we have to remind him that it is not OK to water the tree, we will take care of that by our self. What is it about a Christmas, as soon you put up your tree, it feel like Christmas. The Christmas music begin to be sung by some and just the feel of  house has a different feeling to it. The tree may be the only thing that is decorated in our house, but soon as you put on the lights. The house itself feels like it is ready for Christmas, our house diffidently  feel like it is ready for Christmas. I sometime wonder if nature itself ever celebrates Christmas or any other holidays! Or does nature itself has different holidays that we may or may not celebrate. The celebration of the seasons, in each season there are very special stars that shine for everyone to see. The season of  winter: I think the star is the "snow" itself, it blankets the world and brings a feeling of peace. As you look out the windows with your love ones in a warm place, the snow is so beautiful and the trees are covered with ice. It gives you a feeling of peace, that everything is OK with the world. The next season is spring and I think the stars are" the beautiful flowers" I t gives you a feeling of new, everything is coming alive

christmas tree

We are going out to find the perfect Christmas tree! yay!
The first Christmas tree and wonder who was the  first one to have one.
http://www.eldrbarry.net/mous/saint/xmastree.htm where i found the information



Stories about first Christmas trees One story tells that when Christianity first came to Northern Europe, three virtues: Faith, Hope and Charity were sent from Heaven to find a tree that was as high as hope; as great as love; as sweet as charity; and one that had the sign of the cross on every bough. Their search ended in the forests of the North where they found the Fir. Lighted from the radiance of the stars, it was the first Christmas tree. Another typical tale tells about a woodcutter who helps a small hungry child. The next morning, the child appears to the woodcutter and his wife, and is none other than the Christ child. The child breaks a branch from a fir tree and tells the couple that it will be a tree that, at Christmas time, will bear fruit. As foretold the tree is laden with apples of gold and nuts of silver.

BEACON OF LIGHT

I have been watching over a very sweet couple for the last couple of months. Before I started watching them, I really could not see the world in which that they lived. I am not really sure If  I really ever saw my world..... or any other world for that matter. I mean truly seen a world through somebody else eyes. A world that they did not want to be in and a world with no control. A world once that was in both of their control, now it is a world that is control by others.  I could not see others people's points of view, it was mostly mine, I did go through rough times in my life and times why I am here. I really did not understand life and see the difference that I was making in others people's life. Even those I am married to amazing guy and we have three amazing kids together, but I truly could not see what I had in my life.

It may sound sad and people even may wonder, why could I see my family the way they are and not the way I think they are in life. I was seeing my world through tear-stained glasses and  I could not find anybody in my life to help me. When you are truly in a deep depression,  you really did not know that even had them on, until one day a little sunlight peek into my world. My husband......... to this-day,I really can not figure out how. What he saw and why me, when my world was filled with darkness. He broke through the darkness and offered his hand to help me, for the second......... my world was filled with sunlight. I t was a world that I truly wanted to be in..... forever and ever. Darkness is so strong in depression, it not a darkness that others see, it is a darkness for your eyes only. Back then I really could not see that I was depressed, It was just life and nothing more. You were born, lived life, got married if you were lucky and then you died. No dreams to reach for and no stars to wish upon, until the day the sun came into my life. My ray of sunlight and my love of my life, tried to show life as it really was and not the way I saw it. "HE GAVE ME HOPE," I did not know it then.......... my world as I knew was going to be chipped away at,  until  sunlight was aloud to be in  my world.

It was a long journey and a journey in which I am not even done with yet.  A journey of healing my mind and slowly learning about myself and learning to love myself for the first time in my life. I was slowly seeing my world and others that were going through the same thing. The sad thing that I learned at age 45, was that the  people that you hold close to your heart.... can not  help you heal from depression. I'm not talking that they can not be there for you and hold your hand as you through the darkness. It just they do not understand what you are going through, depression is a quiet world filled pain and loneliness......... even if you have everything in your world that makes you happy. It is hard for someone that loves you to see you in so much pain, they just want you to be happy and share the life that you are building together and nothing more.

 So I had to find help outside of my world and bring others that did understand,  as I traveled I did find people to help me. I never let go of my beacon of light that was trying to help find my home and be happy again. I could not see that then, I see it now, I always had a beacon a light guiding me home( my husband.) My husband light help me find other peoples light, so they could help me and they are  helping me. My husband light, help me find a doctor that may not of be a talking doctor, he was even better........... he was a listening doctor. They are the best ones, because he listened and did not judge me and help me see other beacons that were talking doctors. The doctor that listened to me was someone I need when I was ready to find my home and My husband' beacon of  light. 

I never  really thought of people as beacon of lights in your life, just as the boats in the oceans relied on them to help them find their way home. To help them see, even if they could not see what was there them self and no matter how strong the storms were out at sea, they knew if they could find the beacon of light.......... safety was not to far away. They were that much closer to home, to be with the ones that they loved. Really  we are not much different from the boats searching for  that beacon of light......... when life storms wanted to keep us. If we could find a beacon in life, we would know, just like the boats knew, our house was somewhere near. If it was not, then we could know beacon of light was there to keep us safe.......... until we could find another beacon closer to home and then  our home. 

I guess what I have learned from the sweet older couple is that no matter how old we get in life. We all want the same thing to be happy  and to be loved, no matter how are act and what people think we can do and not do. I guess what others think  of you, is not important....... what is import is keeping your beacon of light strong, so others can find it when they feel lost out in life's storms .

"No matter how old we get, we can be there for other in form of light. You  are never to old to let others see and use your light if they need to in life."